ME - God's Official Autobiography by Samson Soledad

PREFACE

Okay, there's that book called the Bible...or the Holy Bible, as some call it, which is very appropriate because it is full of holes. Contrary to the common misconception, the Bible was not written by Me but by people, who were supposed to have been inspired by Me to spell out the rules, put restrictions on human behavior, and point the way to a better life.

All of which is highly commendable, but let's not forget: strict religious doctrine has also produced guilt, inhibition, hypocrisy, and hate. For centuries followers of differing beliefs have launched holy wars (How can a war be holy?), wreaking death and destruction. Religion-inspired conflict endures to this day. Witness Northern Ireland, the Balkans, the Middle East, Africa, and the destruction of New York's World Trade Center.

So I figure I'd better set the record straight. I have decided to write My autobiography. Certainly an autobiography is not the forum in which most of you would expect Me to reveal Myself, but it's the least obtrusive way I can think of to give you a nudge in the right direction—without actually doing it all for you.

Of course, I could have diverted a giant meteor to pass through your atmosphere. That would certainly have gotten your attention. Or I might have interrupted every TV and radio program worldwide, using the deep resonating voice that confronted Charlton Heston on Mount Sinai. But I wanted to separate Myself from that sideshow mentality that's been promoting My image as some Neanderthal bully—someone who would only look down on you with favor if you kiss up with condescending verbiage about how exalted, all-powerful, and all-loving I am. But let's get real. How could I have created a perfect universe and at the same time be so shallow as to smile down on you only if you dutifully perform some weekend pagan ritual? I am the Almighty Creator, not Jabba the Hut.

I realize that many of you will wonder how I actually wrote this autobiography. The evidence would indicate collusion between Myself and a computer-literate Homo sapien, namely the fellow who typed these words into memory.

Were I to follow the example of the Rolex-laden televangelist hucksters polluting the airways, I would proclaim that you must believe Me. Why? Because lack of faith is a damnable sin sponsored by the angel I banned from paradise years ago...if you believe that story.

In reality I don't expect you to take anything on faith. I expect you to exercise logic and reason, which, after due contemplation, should lead you to a reasonable conclusion about My existence and therefore My alleged authorship of this autobiography.

I offer up as proof the fact that every word in the Bible was written by humans supposedly under My profound influence and thus every word came from Me. That may be true in the universal sense, in that everything came from Me, but let's invoke the same argument to authenticate this work. So what if it has been done now with a word processor? Times have changed. Two thousand years ago men picked up a quill and wrote on papyrus. Today you use a computer keyboard. If you believe I was capable of ignoring or suspending the laws of physics to spontaneously part the Red Sea, should I not be able to get the hang of composing on a computer?

For a while I thought of presenting Myself and My sense of humor in the form of a familiar character, perhaps a cigar-chomping George Burns. Sadly, this characterization lacks the necessary depth to alter your destiny (which is a limitation of the artistic medium and not of the talent I bestowed on Mr. Burns). As a result I have decided that an autobiography, peppered with hints and suggestions of possible solutions to your sorry state of affairs, is a more effective forum. Look how long the Bible has remained on the best-seller list. I figure it's worth a try to join the ranks of Paul of Tarsus and Kinky Friedman.

I'll confess I'm quite aware that some of you may have a problem with this book even before you read it. If so, as Creator of the Universe I forgive you. If you're among such skeptics, I suggest you set aside your misdirected anger long enough to continue reading. After all, it's only a collection of words written in a linear sequence. There is nothing to fear but fear itself (Thank you, FDR). If I'm not who I claim to be, you will surely find Me out and expose Me. Otherwise you will learn about the meaning of life directly from the true Creator of the Earth, true love, and scented bathroom tissue.

Let Me add a note for your reflection. Please don't foolishly seek to have this book banned from schools, communities, or parishes. Remember the many stories written about what I've done whenever you've pissed Me off in the past. Don't tempt fate by provoking Me.

And please don't bellow on about how blasphemous this is. These are only words organized for intellectual consumption by individuals more concerned with learning the truth than blindly accepting the dictates of religious dogma. A more precise example of blasphemy is praising your actions in My name as you set a dynamite charge to mutilate some poor ignorant fool who doesn't view Me as you do.

Why have I decided to write My autobiography? The reason is really a minuscule technicality in the progress of the universe, which happens to be very important to Me. You may recall in the Bible a mention of Armageddon. Many of you have been troubled about Judgment Day, when I'll call in all of My markers. Actually, because of your misconceptions about the existence of time, you fail to realize that Armageddon has already occurred. You are, like the dinosaurs before you, a totally extinct species. As you are reading this, the human race is really history and it troubles Me that you have not figured it all out in time to prevent your disappearance.

So here we are at the beginning of some arithmetic exercise called the new millennium. This book, somewhat overdue, is a final shove in the right direction. As you read you'll discover there is an awesomely wonderful reason for you to be here. And as you saw in that very entertaining motion picture, Back to the Future, there is something you can still do to alter your collective future. So let us begin at the beginning.

And in the beginning, there was Me...